battlestarbean | Recent Entries

Yes, yes, it's the obligatory self-pitying post. Deal.

I'm sitting at a desk in front of a computer at a job I will not have come September, frantically trying to search for other jobs, but not just holdover jobs, jobs that I could actually get into and build a career with, because I'm 28 now and I should have my shit together and know what I want by now, right? RIGHT?!

Yeah, it's not happening.

Someone find me a job that requires me to read interesting things all day, and pays like 70,000 a year to start.

Current Mood: drained
Crossposts: http://shaun84.livejournal.com/73637.html

I hate the fact that when I'm absolutely livid my go-to move is to burst into tears. Spraying water in all directions, not unlike a broken tap, is not as effective a weapon for my fury as say, fists, or harsh words, but whatever, it's my face and it does what it wants. Thankfully, I hardly ever get so angry that I burst into tears, despite the fact that I am almost always irritated by something. Sad but true fact: I'm usually operating on a mild but admittedly irrational level of distaste for everyone all the time. I got sort of mad at a patron at the library the other day because her hair started too far back on her head for my liking. Whatever, it's a thing, we're all works in progress, I'm fixing it.

Lately though, it's getting a lot harder to maintain my usual levels of exasperation for humanity. Mostly because of all the ridiculous things being said by people in positions of power, more specifically in reference to women and what they can and cannot do with their bodies. I've been able to blow a lot of it off, to write a good deal of it off as idiocy that is surely dismissed by people with half a brain cell, but lately, I'm beginning to see that it might not be as easy as all that. I had a conversation today with a couple of friends and acquaintances of mine today, and the topic turned to Todd Akin's ridiculous suggestion that victims of 'legitimate rape' can't get pregnant because the female reproductive system shuts itself down when that happens. We were all in vehement agreement that this guy was a huge, stupid, crazily ill-informed asshole, when one of my acquaintances sort of blurts out, "Yeah but I hate it when two people are like, actually together and then have sex and then abort the child."

It got kind of quiet.

Then I blurted out, "Well it's a good thing that's none of your fucking business then, isn't it?"

Then it got really quiet.

From that point on, we were off. The more I had to point out that no one has the right to get into anyone else's personal affairs, and the more she countered with, "Well I personally believe," the angrier and angrier I got. I could feel my face getting hot and my throat closing up and I knew I was mere seconds from waterworks. I finally shut it down, letting her know that while she was entitled to her opinion, I felt like it was wholly unnecessary for her to express it here at this point in time, since the focus was on the bigger issue of a man running for a seat in the U.S. Senate being ignorant and how that affected women as a whole, and she had diverted it to something we weren't discussing at the time. It sounds kind of diplomatic, the way it's written here, but I'm pretty sure what I actually said was more along the lines of, "Who the hell cares what you think?" Maybe I got so heated so fast because the way she said it kind of reminds me how we got to this point in the first place, as if announcing your unsolicited opinions about what you don't or do believe in in lofty tones gives you immediate superiority and ultimate authority on something that is so intimate, so personal.

Maybe I'm in the wrong, maybe it was perfectly reasonable to express her opinion of which kinds of abortions she likes and doesn't like, which ones are acceptable to her and which get a frowny face but my point was that that isn't the point. None of this should be an issue. Absolutely none of it. You do not get to tell anyone what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. You don't get to treat women like they're second-class citizens, like you're allowed to monitor their movements and dictate how they live their lives. We are all human beings, we're all the same. It just pisses me off that there are people out there that don't seem to grasp this.

I just got a crazy craving for some Kaner/Tazer smut. No plot in particular, I just want something where, I dunno, they're in a quasi-established relationship, fuck buddies maybe, good for getting each other off every once in awhile, but sometimes they have sex in this way that's more intense than usual. Most of the time it's fumbling hands and groping in the dark, assisted and hindered by alcohol, but sometimes, they find themselves having slow, insane, agonizingly hot sex and being stone cold sober during, so they have nothing to hide behind. They still rock denial like CHAMPS and make up the flimsiest-ass excuses as to why it happens, but on those nights, Tazer holds Kaner down, covers him with his whole body, so that Kaner feels him, all along his back, just blanketing him, not giving much room to move or do anything, really. So they just breathe together for a bit at first, Tazer's breath coming warm and damp on his shoulder, soft pants in his ear. Kaner probably likes this way more than he'd like to admit, being held down by Tazer, being taken and not being in control. He doesn't think he'd feel the same way doing it with just anyone, he's pretty sure it's just Tazer. He knows that Tazer's always going to take care of him, always look out for him. This is just another example. It's about trust and faith. He can do this with Tazer, let himself go and be taken care of and covered and controlled because he trusts Tazer, and knows with faith like the sun that Tazer would never do anything to hurt him or put more on him than he could handle. Giving himself over is like breathing, it's so easy.

When they fuck it's a slow burning tease. Johnny sets the pace and on those nights is achingly slow with his thrusts, pulling all the way out and thrusting all the way back in so that eventually with every drag outwards, Patrick is let out long, low moans, completely unable to help himself. Every slide sets him on fire from the inside, and all Patrick wants to do is burn and explode, but the pace is set and instead Patrick just smolders, just burns long and steady until he feels like he might die. The moans almost inevitably turn into Johnny's name, over and over again, and although Tazer's pretty quiet for most of it, when Patrick starts saying Johnny's name like it's a prayer, like it's a plea for something, he starts babbling all kinds of thing is Patrick's ear about how good he is, how fucking good he feels and how he can barely stand it, but he never speeds up his hips, never thrusts in that fast erratic way that signals the end and Patrick feels like he might pass out before long.

Then skip to the end, mindblowing orgasms that have Kaner's eyes leaking a little at the corners (not that he'd ever admit it) and leave them both just wrecked. There are no goofy quips or jokes after these nights. Mostly they just curl into each other and fall asleep, quietly devastated by how much it takes out of them and all the FEELS.

I dunno they find out that there's a pattern to when they have the special sex, like, after a really good win,or a personal victory or when Tazer is jealous of perceived flirting on Kaner's part and Kaner comes to the conclusion that those times are Tazer like, marking his territory, reminding Patrick's body why they'll never be another that can hollow him out, render him incapable of higher thought and make him dissolve into nothing like him, or some shit. I dunno. Something about possession. This leads to FEELINGS and even more good times. I don't even know,

IN ANY CASE, yeah, so someone should point me in the direction of like, scorchingly hot, delayed gratification sex between Kaner and Tazer. Or write it for me, you know, whichever. :-)

Looks like Raffi Torres has been suspended indefinitely for that shit-tastic hit on Hossa last night. Good effing riddance.

I honestly never anticipated a time in my life where I'd be sitting at a computer with at least twelve tabs open, half of them hockey gifs and the other articles about hockey. I'm a black girl from the south in a city whose hockey team moved to Winnipeg. Being a fan of this stuff wasn't in the cards for me.

But, I guess it was.

And I'm really, really glad.

Here, have some of my love:

Crossposts: http://shaun84.livejournal.com/72392.html

So I've been really really quiet lately.

That's mostly because hockey has taken over my soul. What started out as a lark has become a full-blown obsession, exacerbated by the fact that the playoffs are going on right now and shit is intense. Last night, the Blackhawks (the team I love) played the Coyotes in Chicago and it was just the worst, mainly because of this:

This is Marian Hossa, who happens to own my soul, taking an absolutely devastating hit from Raffi Torres. I was screaming when it happened and I was screaming when Hossa didn't get back up and I was screaming when Torres wasn't ejected from the game. There was some crying thrown in there too, because Hossa had to be taken out on a freaking stretcher. The night continued to get worse from then on, mostly because of Torres' continued presence in the game, since he shouldn't have been there. Andrew Shaw got a three game suspension for a hit on the Coyotes goalie who, as it happens, played in the very next game. He was fine. Hossa was carried out on a fucking stretcher, and that asshole got to play the whole game, minus like, twelve minutes. It was too much--not to mention the shitty-ass calls the refs made that night. That stadium was on fire though, and you can bet your sweet ass they were calling for blood in Chicago. I know I was here.

The Coyotes ended up winning in OT which sucks, but I'm not worried. I have every faith that the Hawks will come back and squash those assholes like the bugs they are, with a little assistance from my chat pals, since we are convinced that by channeling our combined hatred for Mike Smith and Raffi Torres, the Yotes will spontaneously combust in mid-play, on the ice, or at the very least, Mike Smith's hands will fall off and he will start vomiting and shitting from an unexplicable bout of food poisoning. Here's to hoping.

In other hockey-related news, Sidney Crosby turns out to be an unexpected delight. I don't know much about him, but after talking with my hockey pals, I discovered that the general consensus is somewhat mixed. To some, he's alright, to others, he's somewhat of a big-mouthed puss, to be treated with disdain or indifference. At least that's how it was with them, until this:

I haven't been watching very closely, but I have it on good authority that the Pens-Flyers series of the playoffs has been somewhat of a shitshow. This gif is of Sid Crosby super bitchily knocking away Jakub Voracek's glove, which is funny all by itself because it's such a cutesy sort of dick move. It escalates into awesomeness when you see the interview Sidney does after this game and how he responds to reporters asking about the move:

What was he supposed to do? Pick up his glove? What was that? Skate away? Skate away, you say? Yeah, well, he didn't that time, so.

Guys. He doesn't like anyone on their team. What don't you get about that?

I'm just delighted. I'm delighted because as bad as it sounds, that's probably the same answer I would have given. Sidney Crosby, you own my heart in this moment because we are simpatico. We are both children when competing.

I have so many feelings about this stupid game, and there's no way I could cover it all in one go. Just know you'll probably be hearing more about hockey shenanigans and less about the more geektastic aspects of my life as the playoffs continue. I'm just saying. This shit ruins lives.

THAT'S ALL. I'M DONE.

Crossposts: http://shaun84.livejournal.com/71688.html

Okay, it's been AGES since I've done this, but I'm totally gonna post the beginnings of this little fic thing i've been writing! It's Secret Circle, and its Faye/Jake, something I think is way under represented in fandom, and it's been bugging me forever so I figured I'd write it down and see if that makes the voices quiet down a little. Also, totally un-betaed, so it probably makes absolutely NO SENSE. Sorry, for those who stumble upon it. My bad.

( Some People Die Just A Little... )

Crossposts: http://shaun84.livejournal.com/71471.html

So.

So there's this thing that's been happening to me recently. I can't explain it, don't ask me to explain it, it's just one of those things that is.

I am suddenly, irrevocably into hockey these days.

Well, the Chicago Blackhawks, to be more specific, but more on that in a sec.

I honestly couldn't say how it really started, other than I remember it ias a sort of a teasing, niggling little thought planted in my head by the folks on my fantastic Twitter feed, more specifically, the wonderful

sometimesalways and

zanzando . I think I noticed a lot of Hockey stuff being put up on my pinboard, and finally I just sort of gave up and read the primer, and then some of the accompanying fic.

I am in now caught in a swirling vortex of hockey times that I refuse to get out of.

Although the other people I talk to about hockey are waaaaay more knowledgeable about it support a number of teams, I think because it was the first team (and first ship) I was introduced to, the Chicago Blackhawks are it for me, really.

Folks, I give you my inspiration for learning any and everything about hockey--Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews:

I could go on and on and ramble incoherently about the two of them, which I do often, but there are amazing primers out there that could fill you in on everything Kaner/Tazer and the Blackhawks in general a lot better than I could. Just trust that these two are the shit, and also that they are dudebros in love.

Please, come in. Join my hockey mania, won't you?

This is just a taste, obviously. And I swear that now, my respect and admiration goes beyond the fact that Tazer and Kaner are so good-looking and squeal-worthy, and also happens to be about what a genuinely cool and awesome team the Blackhawks are. Toews is a wonderful, hardworking, super dedicated captain, and Kaner is a total natural talent. I still don't know enough about the sport to REALLY get into a conversation about it, but I'm learning, bit by bit. And you have to admit, it's not a bad way to get introduced to a sport.

Plus there's this. And this. And this. Also this.

'm just sayin', everyone gets into things their own way.

Crossposts: http://shaun84.livejournal.com/71315.html

Oh Stark babies, you are the best. Also, I do this exact same thing at the beginning of every episode.

Current Music: Game of Throne opening theme
Crossposts: http://shaun84.livejournal.com/71139.html

I actually hear people are making a big deal about this. It's not a big deal guys. He was super stoked! That was Giroud's first goal for his national team! My friends have done more with each other for less. Oh. Oh, is it a big deal because they're both boys or something?

Well that's just ridiculous. Plus, it's crazy hot, so just, I don't know, enjoy the show, haters.

Crossposts: http://shaun84.livejournal.com/70869.html

Why do I live in a time and place where a man thinks that it's perfectly normal behavior to slow his car down and gawk at a woman while she walks down her street, then pull a u-turn and follow her back to her house and stop to wave? It's unacceptable and terrifying and infuriating.

I shouldn't have to worry about shit like this. I just fucking shouldn't. Now I gotta wonder if every time I step off my bus and head to my house, this freak, who now knows where I live, is gonna be waiting for me to say or do inappropriate shit to me. Who the FUCK does he think he is? This shit is unacceptable and and I'm so angry I can barely see straight.

Who the fuck do you think you are sir, to think it's cool to see a woman minding her own business walking down the opposite side of the street, and then swerve and slow down to a creep next to her just to get closer to her? And then, to pull a u-turn and follow her back to her house?! For what? To wave? Oh what, she's gonna find that sexy and suck your dick now? "Oh that's so hot, man. I love strangers following me back to my house creepily just to stare at me. Gets my shit going."

Die in a fire, random dude.

What do I have to do to get badass Faye/Jake Secret Circle fic?

Here, I'll give you some inspiration:

"I think Faye and Jake written in the stars!" Zylka jokes, laughing. "Honestly, though, I think she's the only one that gets him for real. She's smart. Faye is Jake and Jake is Faye, and that's why they connect but also why they hate each other. It's 'I love you to death, and I could be with you, but one of us would cast the worst kind of spell on the other.'" --This is Chris Zylka, talking about his relationship with Phoebe Tonkin's character, Faye here.

Also, this:

So...get to it! Or I'll be forced to write my own! And that will not be pretty. Or! If you know of any place I can read any good Faye/Jake action, you can always point me in that direction as well :-)

Current Mood: giggly

Ugh, I'm feeling emotions right now and it's all bothersome. Well, to be honest, it's not so much the feeling that bothers me, but the particular emotions I'm rocking right now. Mainly I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's a Friday night, and I'm chilling at home playing with my cat. Under normal circumstances there would be absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I find that it's okay to do that if you make the decision to spend your evening that way; it is not okay when you're doing it because you feel like all you friends have abandoned you and they were useless to begin with and why the hell do you even still talk to those assholes anyway.

Le sigh. The main squeeze is off playing in a Magic tournament with a group of his friends, one of whom (which? I'm not so good with the writing) happens to be my best friend. So my best friend and my husband are off playing in a Magic tournament, robbing me of my two main sources of entertainment--fine, whatever. They're entitled to be massive nerds without me every once in awhile, and if I had been able to sort of resign myself to a night in, that would have been fine. However, another pal of mine asked if I wanted to something with her tonight and when I texted her back and asked what she had in mind, she didn't call or text me back with a response. That was sort of uncool. And YES, I did try calling her again---she never responded. She's just being a flake. Nothing new.

So I'm a little salty about my situation but I imagine I'll get it over soon. I miss my fandom friends. I miss my friend Megan the insane insomniac who listened to Oingo Boingo unironically, watched Red Dwarf, and got me hooked on Harry Potter fanfic. If she were here she'd be down for an adventure, damnit. I miss Koko, who once stuck me in the boot of a car so we could get into a drive in without having to pay for more that one ticket and went to see Chronicles of Narnia on ecstasy for some unfathomable reason. I miss Kara who used to show me porn, and Kavita who meowed at things.

Everyone's all grown up and assholish now.

Alright, I think I'm done sulking now. Patches O'Houlihan is about to get crushed by a Luck of The Irish sign on TV. Who could stay in a pissy mood when that's coming up?

Current Mood: bored

Yes.

Looks like the boys are currently busy on the last movie in the amazing and perfect and wonderful Three Flavors Cornetto Trilogy, the earlier two being Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Shaun of the Dead has always been my favorite, mostly because of my beloved zombies, but upon multiple viewings of Hot Fuzz with a bunch of other folks, I can't say which one is my favorite for sure anymore. All I can say is that I'm definitely looking forward to the last one.

My favorite presents from this Christmas past were a Mason jar full of candy and Star Wars The Old Republic. This is not to say that I didn't enjoy and appreciate all the other stuff I got for Christmas, I am incredibly spoiled and everything I got was lovely, but in this instance I'm using the word favorite to define things that I use almost every day, and with a fiery, religious-like passion.

I should think the Mason jar present would be obvious. Come on, it's a Mason jar. It's perfect for drinking, holding buttons, arranging flowers, stocking pens--how could you not unabashedly love something that has so many uses? Plus it was filled with candy when I got it.

The Star Wars game might need a little bit more elaboration. A while back, I made a post about The Sims Medieval and how awesome it was and how much I liked it, even though I would by no means consider myself a gamer-type. Please. I read books. But as the months passed and the whispers about the new Star Wars MMO started building up, I started getting interested. There was a demo of it at Dragon*Con, and while I didn't play it then or even, really see it, some of my pals got a peek at it and were definitely impressed. Even after that, I was still pretty willing to overlook it. It was probably cool, but definitely not for me. I'd been burned by the earlier Star Wars MMO when the husband started replaying it and took to reminding me while we were out having fun date times that he had to get home soon to 'check on his harvesters'. Yeah, I wasn't really feeling it.

It was a definite gradual build, my interest in the game, but the more I read about it and listened to my friends get excited, the more stoked I got. 'This could be fun,' I thought. 'I've not really played anything like it before but I'm sure I could get into it.' It was all very cool, very casual. I added it to my Amazon Wish List and decided to wait for Christmas. Then my stupid friends opened their stupid mouths. I offhandedly remarked one day that I was interested in playing Star Wars and that I was expecting to get the game and was met by a tsunami wave of hatin'.'Please,' they snarked. 'You'll play it for like a day. There's no way you'll really get into it. If you get it, it'll be more for Justin than you.' 'You read, remember?'

That was it, then. Challenge Accepted, Assholes.

From then on I was All Fired Up about playing. Because seriously? Eff those guys. They don't know me, they don't know my gaming capabilities. I started playing with the impurest of intentions, basically to show all of my friends up, but then, like a Christmas miracle, something marvelous happened. I fell madly in love with the game, so much so that I had the husband build us a computer so I could play with better graphics. I started out on my craptacular laptop and the lag was killing me, figuratively and literally. It's hard to do Sith Stealth when your character is moving like a crazy robot. Ostensibly we decided to build a computer for all those normal, responsible reasons people want computers in their house--none of which I can think of right now because, come on. We know why we have that computer and it's not for anything responsible. Justin may hang around it every once in awhile, maybe install a few drivers and check his email, but we both know that it primarily functions as my base of operations for the destruction of the Rebellion and all colluding Jedi losers.


That's totally me! Well, not me,but it's a Sith Sorceror, Like ME!

I'm still nowhere near the level of my best friend, who beta tested the damn game and had a running start, but I'm also not worried. I know my level of commitment, I'm in this for the long haul. Who has two thumbs and spent all of MLK weekend scrunched in front of a computer screen in a rank hoodie with Mason jar full of cranberry juice and a fistful of White Cheddar Cheez-its? This girl. I see things in real life differently now, though I suppose that's normal. I walk into buildings and immediately check out the exits and consider all the possible routes to get to my intended destination. Recently I've taken to seeing the green Mission triangles above things in my dreams. It's disconcerting and awesome.

I've taken to playing with friends a little--not as much as I should, but I'm a stubborn jerk who likes to figure things out by myself and then sheepishly ask for help when I realize that I can't accomplish something alone, but that works for me. I thought I'd be intimidated by, well, everything in the game, but I'm not, and that's saying something since I have no real prior experience playing anything like this. I die a lot, I kick a lot of ass, I dance a little, I blew myself up trying to dismantle a bomb, I have a ship (!!), I have a sneaking suspicion the Sith Lord I'm apprenticing under is going to betray me, and it's all amazing and fun. I can't say for sure whether this game is going to lead me down a road to becoming more of a serious Gamer, but it's a really great start.

I need to find a beta for 1,000 words of random Post-Reichenbach Sherlock fic i've started. I don't know if there's a whole community, or if I'm just going to have to dig around until I find someone. In any case, anyone with info on how I can get someone to look my thing over and let me know if I should continue or just set myself on fire would be greatly appreciated.

A few details about the fic: It's six months or so after John sees Sherlock fall and one evening John comes back from shopping to find Sherlock in his flat. Screaming and Feels ensue, but that's it so far. Let me know if you can help, or know someone who can : )

Thanks!

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Denise

Geektastic Voyage

August 2012

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The trouble was, they left her too much alone...

feeding on books and dreaming of love.

Recent Entries

You know what I hate about today? Everything.

Ugh.

This is what I need in my life right now.

UPDATE on that fucker, Torres

Hockey Ruins Lives, y'all

That. Effing. Smile.

Secret Circle Fic!

...In which I am Incepted by Hockey RPF

The Opening Theme of Game of Thrones, sung by Sansa, Arya, and Bran

Yes. Get it.

Jesus Christ.

Yes. Ma'am.

Flawless.

Where's the Faye/Jake love?

This made my whole. effing. day.

If you've ever said anything like this to me, know that I have judged you. Harshly.

Blerg.

Currently rocking my day..

Star Wars: The Old Republic, or, How I Learned to Love the Player AND the Game

Sherlock Beta!